Self-unRealization

I think life has a funny way of showing you its cards. Sometimes the timing is fantastic, but I'm gonna have to say that most times I can take it or leave it. This past month has been a bumpy ride full of one reality check after another.

I've come face-to-face with the fact that my father will never put me first. It broke my heart to finally have the steaming cup of reality thrown in my face. I've never felt such loss, embarrassment, and sadness in my life. When I was little I made, perhaps unconsciously, the decision to separate myself from my emotions. I thought that this would make me tough in the eyes of my father. I am weak. I am weak with a stone exterior.

The realization that it would never be enough, no matter what I did, no matter how good I was, or how hard I tried, I will never be first. My entire life revolved around his approval. Now I don't know who I am. I question if any of my accomplishments have any merit to me. I wonder if who I am is because that's who I wanted to be, or if it's what I thought he would want.

I always thought that life was a balancing act of who we wanted to be and who we actually were. But I've put that under scrutiny because both sides of the equation were obliterated with one phone call.

The big question is where do I go from here? What's my next move? Graduation is in sight and everything I thought I wanted is...floating. I am floating. I am in between worlds. I am not a single-self. I am multiple personalities, no, I am multiple personas. I am only what my surroundings expect me to be.

Who is Mina?